Praise the good Lord Jesus Christ and His Father in heaven for waking up this saved one today uninjured, unimpaired, safely in the bed of his friend’s apartment in the same beautiful town on the same beautiful creation of the Lord called earth ready to serve Him another blessed day NO MATTER WHAT!
Well, Friday was quite the hectic day due to my admittedly foolish decision to “borrow” my mother’s credit card without permission again to guarantee the quickest and most sure-fire method of obtaining the dose of benzedrex that I (believed I) needed to not have another tear-filled breakdown. That method, obviously, being to actually buy it from one of the few local walgreens(es?) that I’m not banned from, because they are the only chain of stores that appear to have caught on to my intentions with my frequent visits and have decided to take effective action against my operations by either confronting me with a trespass order (being banned) or moving their stock of benzedrex to an exclusively behind-the-counter purchase.
Naturally, those stores that chose the latter option rather than the former benefit me by providing a near certain source of benzedrex but also provide themselves with the benefits of ensuring net-profits from my patronage, an avoidance of shoplifting of anything in the future, my continued patronage, respect, and good word to those of my peers that I communicate with on the matter.
Taking the route of banning me might rid me of any future supposition of my future “patronage” but it definitely will not rid these stores of their problem, because I know for a fact that I’m not the only one around here with the (not very) bright idea to satiate their speed addiction by not paying a dime. Well, you’re still paying with SOMETHING but it’s not the federal reserve’s fiat “currency”. :^).
I hate having to do this but my most recent idea/probable delusion is that God is using this entire experience of mine to exercise my mind’s courage “muscle” (trusting in God, primarily) as well as its shrewdness, since so many young men my age around here would probably be so traumatized from being caught once that they would cease to ever continue embarking on such operations. On one level, I admit, they’re probably smarter than I in quitting while they’re ahead but on another level it feeds into this concept that I heard recently in the audiobook version of Dostoyvesky’s “The Gambler”, straight out of the mouth of the “grandmother” character during her winning streak at a french casino: “He who fears the wolf should not enter the forest”.
Now, that same “grandmother” character would go on to lose all of her earnings and in fact bring the family into debt because her initial max earnings of 7k-8k roubles (a whole frickin’ lot in today’s dollars) quickly became 100k roubles in debt over three days because she could not stop herself. Thus, perhaps, I am sorely trapped in a grossly self-destructive form of thinking by evoking such a quote to justify my behavior.
In fact, in that very same story, when the “grandmother” takes her seat at the roluette table for the first time with the main character and her temporary servant Alexei Ivanovich, she sees a young man who has just accumulated a massive amount of earnings and makes the sober distinction that he had best go home now rather than take his earnings as a ticket to gamble more and more money. The obvious irony behind “grandmother”‘s piece of advice here is that she proceeds to make the exact same mistake that she just decried less than an hour later with the massive earnings that she ends up winning.
I’ve never actually “gambled” in the contemporary definition of the word, in fact I’ve never even bought a single scratch-off ticket nor do I ever intend to, but viewing that story through a metaphorical sense upon my life seems to produce an unsettingly haunting omen.
On the other hand, every great man throughout history has “gambled”, not in the literal definition but in a very similar sense to my metaphorical definition of the term.
Once again, I’m more than likely just rationalizing my continued choice to indulge in self-destructive behavior and I should probably prepare myself for the Lord to allow an even lower level of destruction to calamitously strike my life. My psyche is already severely scarred by everyone around me telling me that I’m absolutely worthless and will amount to nothing, so that as well as just my life’s general lack of actual tangible success in any field beyond “barely clinging on” feeds into this (possible) delusion that God has put me through so much suffering for so long because He will shortly be ushering me onto a path towards such greatness that all the past suffering will be far more than worth it. Furthermore, the only fee the Lord expects from me for this future is just a continued faith in Him amidst everything to the best of my ability. So long as I provide that faith, the Lord will ensure that my conscious mind is placed into such positive states that are sustained over such a long period of time that my desperate heart will certainly use it to self-advance.
Sure, to the new reader, that price of “faith in Him amidst everything” may seem to be such a paultry price for such a grand reward that its delusory nature should be self-explanatory, but I’d invite you to read as many of my past entries on this blog as that reader can/is interested in reading and realize the bare fact that such a tithe, at least in my situation, is DEFINITELY nowhere near chump change.
Okay, I am depressed now and I’ve tried my best. Of course, there is so much more for me to talk about on here but I just cannot go further today.
Please pray for me as I pray for you.
Go in Christ, friends.