7/1/17

Praise the good, great, merciful Lord Jesus Christ for waking up this saved one today uninjured, unimpaired, safely in his same bed under the same roof at the same beautiful town on the same beautiful creation of the Lord called earth ready to serve Him another blessed day NO MATTER WHAT!

Yesterday night, I tried to actually talk to my mom when she got home from work about just everything going on right now. The conversation ended up being more like a paranormal encounter with a banshee than any kind of rational discussion between two humans. She almost immediately began to start screaming at me as soon as I tried to start the conversation, and she continued on for about fifteen minutes. A barrage of shrilly screeched verbal tear-downs was definitely not what I needed, even if I am an awful person. Right now, I am enduring a pretty excruciating period of depression and self-hate. There can’t possibly be any more need for harsh criticism of everything I do when I myself supply that in abundance already.

The extremely risky method I have been using to acquire benzedrex cannot be sustained much longer at all, without something unimaginably awful being allowed to occur. I hate doing this so much. This morning I just woke up, took my medicines, drank a cup of coffee, then went straight out the door to perform the deed without a second thought. It was almost like I was a robot just executing an action that he’s programmed for, regardless of the moral stipulations or the personal risk. This cannot continue for much longer.

Lord Jesus, I beg again for You to heal my being to the point that I actually feel good enough on smaller and smaller amounts of drugs to not feel those urges to go pursue more. Please Lord, I beg You for deliverance from my drug addictions but I also beg for You to be gentle, patient, and positive with me in that process. I have been thrashed around in the school of hard knocks long enough, and I desperately beg the Lord to not allow me to descend any further.

Lord Jesus, please don’t allow my desires for drugs to reach a point that leads me to do something in pursuit of those drugs that could send me to jail. Please Lord, please have mercy.

I praise You Lord Jesus, and thank You for protecting me so far from the potentially life-ruining consequences of what I’ve been doing to get benzedrex. Please Lord, just please take away my desires to do benzedrex as soon as possible so that I’ll no longer feel a need to put myself at such risk every day.

Please Lord, continue to protect me from the consequences of what I’ve been doing to acquire benzedrex. Please Lord, please take away my desires to do benzedrex in a positive way so that I can stop doing this.

Please Lord Jesus, don’t ever allow me to be arrested and/or put in jail, because I wouldn’t survive. First off, I’d probably lose my mind and second off I’d probably be “taken advantage of” by the other prisoners.

Lord Jesus, I really am BEGGING YOU TO REDUCE AND/OR ELIMINATE MY DESIRES TO DO BENZEDREX IN A POSITIVE WAY LORD PLEASE PLEASE BEFORE I GET ARRESTED!!!!

I really need prayers.

Go in Christ, friends.

6/30/17

Praise the good, gracious, merciful Lord Jesus Christ for waking up this saved one today uninjured, unimpaired, safely in his same bed under the same roof at the same beautiful town on the same beautiful creation of the Lord called earth, ready to serve Him another blessed day NO MATTER WHAT.

I apologize for not posting any entries during the past couple days, but I’ve been on such an emotional rollercoaster lately. It’s difficult to write while riding a rollercoaster, I’m sure we can all agree.

Depression has been the dominant malady afflicting my conscience lately. The Lord has ensured that my anxiety is properly treated and I praise Him for that, but the remaining depression is nearly as unbearable as the anxiety.

Feeling like there is no point in doing anything except brooding over whatever unhealthy topic pops into one’s head is definitely not a pleasant experience.

Satiating my drug addictions is an activity that takes up a sizeable portion of my day: four or five hours at most. I want to stop it as soon as possible, but Lord I beg You to make me feel good enough to a point that I no longer feel a need to take drugs. Please Lord Jesus, have mercy.

Feeding my desires has become astronomically more dangerous with the implementation of my mother’s procedure of locking absolutely everything of value in a safe. She went so far as to actually close my bank account.

Lord Jesus, PLEASE JESUS PLEASE TAKE AWAY THESE DESIRES TO DO BENZEDREX AND COUGH SYRUP BEFORE THEY GET ME ARRESTED JESUS PLEASE JESUS PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.

LORD PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!

Tomorrow, I want to try going without benzedrex. I want to just take my prescribed medications and go through the day with that. Only by the grace of the good Lord could that fantasy become a reality.

Lord Jesus, please put a positive conviction in my heart to adhere to the medication regimen NO MATTER WHAT, before I get caught for doing what I’m doing.

I just really don’t know. I’ve done so much wrong….. I just, I don’t know.

I have an interview on wednesday for a job at Michael’s, and wouldn’t it be swell if I got my first shoplifting charge right before I went to the interview? Please God, I don’t want to be doing this but when I feel so awful as I tend to, it is almost like I’m driven by a force beyond me to get drugs by whatever means necessary.

I praise You and thank You Lord for protecting me from being caught so far. Lord Jesus, I desperately beg that You take away my desires to do benzedrex and cough syrup, preferably in a positive way. Please Lord, if my emotions are allowed to fester in misery and my desires let loose upon my conscience without restraint from the Holy Spirit, I’m going to probably end up in jail.

Please Lord, PLEASE DON’T LET JAIL BE A PART OF MY STORY LORD JESUS PLEASE LIFT THESE DESIRES TO DO BENZEDREX AND COUGH SYRUP FROM MY CONSCIENCE WITH YOUR HOLY SPIRIT I BEG YOU I BEG YOU!!!!

Go in Christ, friends.

6/28/17

Praise the good Lord Jesus Christ for waking up this saved one today uninjured, unimpaired, safely in his same bed under the same roof at the same beautiful town on the same beautiful creation of the Lord called earth ready to serve Him another blessed day NO MATTER WHAT!

Many events have transpired over the duration of the past couple days, and I apologize for not posting an entry yesterday about it but I got distracted by an overwhelming desire to watch horror/thriller films.

Unfortunately, today I am in the mood for writing some socio-political commentary rather than reflecting on my recent past. Escapist, I know, but…. uhhh… we will return to the regularly scheduled programming in the near future, do not worry.

Stefan Molyneux is a popular, right-leaning, self-described “anarcho”-capitalist amateur philosopher and political commentator on youtube who I’ve thrown a few minutes of my time to on the odd video on some topic I’m interested in for…. ehh…. I believe 6-7 years? I definitely remember watching his “THE TRUTH ABOUT TRAYVON MARTIN” video back in late 2012, right before the trial of Zimmerman was scheduled to occur. Going into it with the mainstream media kool-aid still digesting in my proverbial stomach, I was shocked to learn from Molyneux that Trayvon was apparently NOT the baby-faced, innocent little angel that the media had me totally convinced he was. The information presented by Molyneux was factual, yet totally absent from the main stream media narrative. Ever since then, I slowly found myself watching more and more of his vids despite my many disagreements with him on a variety of topics. What attracted me to him was his demeanour, confidence, and an almost obsessive use of externally cited FACTS to back up everything that he says.

It was refreshing to see FACTS or fact-based main ideas with CITATIONS in a bulleted list on the side of the screen while his monologues took course, rather than just sitting in front of a camera or microphone spewing out unregulated drivel. Ironically, I enjoy doing exactly the latter but that’s probably why my little pathetic attempt at a political podcast will never manifest into anything tangible.

What I’m trying to get to though, is Molyneux’s views on race. Specifically, his views on the effect of biological differences in the races on social behavior in the modern world. I can’t believe that I allowed myself to overlook this, but after watching some of Molyneux’s recent videos on this “issue”, I can now safely conclude that this man is a real white supremacist of some sort.

Molyneux apparently LOVES to chide on and on about how there are scientifically validated biological differences in the races, specifically between europeans and the rest of the population, which are the direct cause of social unrest in the west. He won’t straight out say it, but it’s obvious that he just firmly believes something along these lines: that white people (or, certain white people) need to separate themselves from the presence and influence of the “low IQ, low productivity” masses in order for them to thrive or something. With the evolutionary blessed high-IQ, high-productivity white people seperated from the masses, they can finally compliment eachother’s talents without the interference of those dumb masses and maybe accelerate the production of new technology to solve all the ills of man.

Molyneux is apparently a long-time fan of the concept of seperating one’s self from the influences of the unredpilled masses for one’s own personal evolution. I saw an episode of the documentary series “dark net” where a girl with typical teenage angst issues against her parents starts watching Molyneux frequently (obsessively *ahem* excuse me) and becomes convinced that his frankly wacko idea of how the traditional parent-child relationship is actually a form of slavery that just ends up severely traumatizing the child is true. She decides to follow Molyneux’s advice in a video about cutting one’s self off from their families entirely in order to allow your human potential to truly blossom, or something, and suddenly runs away one day.

This girl ends up meticolously cutting off all means of possible communication to her parents as per the process of “de-FOO-ing” (FOO: family of origin).

Idk where I’m going with this but the point is that Molyneux is basically a full on white supremicist who used to be a digital pied piper type figure, leading children to cut off all ties to the family that raised them and loves them in favor of facing the world alone. I’ve noticed that Molyneux has not brought up the topic of parenting for a good while now. Ever since he became another huge right wing, (mostly) pro-trump alt-media personality alongside Alex Jones/Infowars, Sargon of Akkad, Chris Ray Gun, etc. about a year ago, his popularity has appeared to have exploded. He must be trying to sweep the whole “de-FOOing” thing under the rug, because Molyneux knows that it probably wouldn’t make his new alt-lite audience very happy.

Of course, I am still standing against “the left” in America that is obsessed with ridiculously tedious social justice issues, while virtually ignoring the actual thing that matters: economics. I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed, and I admit that I need to do more studying on economics myself so that I can make any sort of sense during an argument, but it seems like 90% of these snowflakes flying the red and black flag have absolutely NOT ONE SPECK OF A CLUE ABOUT THE ECONOMIC ISSUES. NOT ONE. ALL THEY CARE ABOUT IS THIS INSANE ABSURDIST SOCIAL JUSTICE BULLSHIT LIKE WTF.

I really do think that there must be some social engineering by the oligarchy at work here when it comes to those who call themselves leftists, because I can’t imagine anything like this being naturally occurring. Obsessing over how a SAWSM can “rape” a woman of color just with their gaze because of “social power dynamics” and not focusing on forming real worker-owned co-operative businesses, studying economics, producing a solidified platform on how the economy needs to be reformed to give every contributor in a co-op/company their fair share of the profits for their role while maintaining a free market.

Perhaps I should practice what I preach, rather than complain on wordpress but I really just think that this point about how the left MUST shift their focus AWAY FROM SOCIAL ISSUES AND FOCUS ON THE ECONOMIC ISSUES BECAUSE THAT IS WHERE THE REAL POWER IS IT’S NOT FROM BITCHING ABOUT BEING FAT-SHAMED NO NO COME ON!!!

Ugh, I just think that this is CRUCIAL to our future but 99% of modern young leftists would probably label me as a fascist due to my spiritual beliefs.

My spiritual beliefs are actually the reason why I am so disgusted by people like Molyneux, because I believe in an inherent equality in mankind that transcends the biological differences in the “races”. Every human has been given a soul by God and we are all equal under his eyes. Doesn’t matter what your IQ tests and jawline measurements say, no human is “better” than another.

If I were still a materialist atheist, perhaps Molyneux’s theories would make a lot more sense to me and end up influencing my conduct in the future, but because it’s that “OOO SO HATEFUL WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH OOO” fundamental biblical christianity which places a feeling of disgust in my heart towards such theories.

Please pray for me.

Go in Christ, friends.

6/25/17

Praise the good, great, merciful Lord Jesus Christ for keeping this saved one alive today safely in his same bed under the same roof at the same beautiful town on the same beautiful creation of the Lord called earth ready to serve Him another blessed day NO MATTER WHAT.

I didn’t sleep a wink last night and am presently just trying to get an entry out as quickly as possible so that I won’t have to worry about it later in the day. Triple Cs tend to be a major insomnia source for me, but Lord willing that I’ll be alright today. The good thing is that I’m not really that depressed right now…. but it really is in the Lord’s hands as to whether or not that can continue throughout the day.

The netflix series “black mirror” has me hooked in at the moment. It’s basically this drama/horror series about a very near future in which technology dominates our lives to the point of making our wildest nightmares come true. Each episode so far has been a different short story and I’d rather not go about wasting my energy spoiling the whole thing for anyone who hasn’t seen it. I’m early into the third episode though and, as a person who is interested in this type of concept of a self-created high technology false eutopia, I can confirm that this show definitely delivers these ideas in a quality fashion…. if that makes sense. The production team did a wonderful job in interweaving present day levels of technology like smart phones and social media with realistic, well conceptualized futuristic technologies such as neural interfacing with computer systems. In fact, they do it so well that it’s almost scary how close our society seems to be approaching a reality that is awfully parallel to the one represented in the show.

One thing I know for certain though, is that I’m not taking any trans-human implants anywhere in my body to “interface” with anything, no sir-ree. No google glass eye-contacts, no little “temporary” do-dads punched into the top portion of my spine, nah none of that. We already interface with the technology we’ve got so much that I often feel like my devices are additional appendages to my body already. I take my phone around with me everywhere.

When I get into the driver’s seat of one of my parents’ newer bmws and plug my phone up to the car like I would to my computer, it feels like I’m somehow “synching” myself up to the vehicle in a way. The new BMWs have those remote ignitions, where the driver has to have the remote key near enough to the car to open the doors and start the ignition, so that really does add to this “seamless” feeling that I get whenever I go for a drive in one of them. Not to mention, the ride itself is very smooth compared to most other cars I’ve had the pleasure of riding in and driving.

Well, unfortunately that will have to conclude today’s/this morning’s entry, because I really need to give myself a break on this project when it comes to the amount of work that I put into each individual entry. Even though this blog is specifically for the Lord Jesus and His glory alone, the reader count that I’m getting doesn’t merit 2k+ words out of severely depressed me every single day.

Lord, let Your will be done today but have mercy on this saved one.

Please pray for me.

Go in Christ, friends.

6/24/17

Praise the good, great, merciful Lord Jesus Christ for waking up this saved one today uninjured, unimpaired, safely in his same bed under the same roof at the same beautiful town on the same beautiful creation of the Lord called earth ready to serve Him another blessed day NO MATTER WHAT!

Last night, I went on a sizable netflix binge that lasted from around 11pm to 5:30 am. The selected viewing composed of three historical reenactment series: “Nuremberg”, “Our world war”, and “Versailles”. All three were wonderful and I’d recommend them to anyone who is in to dark historical dramas. “Nuremberg: Nazis on trial” was the most documentarian of the three series, with stellar reenactment performances interlaced between clips from interviews with real, living witnesses of the events and historians, all harmonized under the guidance of a well qualified British narrator. There are three episodes, each one focusing on the cases of individual nazis. Albert Speer, Hitler’s industrial production czar, gets the spotlight first, then “second in command” big boy Herman Goering and concluding with Rudolph Hess. Hess, to my knowledge from watching the series, was Hitler’s prime press man until he decided to fly to scotland in 1941-1942 on his own accord, under the auspices of negotiating a treaty with the UK. Upon hitting the ground in scotland by parachuting out of his plane, Hess was immediately arrested and held as a POW for the entire duration of the war. Hess was characterized by his mental health issues, having faked amnesia since being arrested by the british up until suddenly admitting his “simulation” of amnesia in front of the court. He admitted this after, what I believe were, several weeks of rigorous psychological and psychiatric examination being conducted on him by two American officers, specializing in each field, to determine the authenticity of this amnesia. Speer’s case was characterized by his open confession of guilt and genuine repentance for his part in fueling the Nazi war machine. He seemed to be the least “guilty” of the three men examined, in a sense that he openly expressed his knowledge of wrong doing and his willingness to accept the consequences of his actions, even if it entails death.

Goering was definitely the most guilty of the three, from what I could tell, but I really do digress. I will say though that the actor playing Goering is really great. He very much resembles Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter and Scolar Visari from Killzone…. a nazi-like dictator character who might actually be based a bit off of Goering, whether or not it was intentional. I never even played any of the Killzone games but I “fell in love” with the Visari character from the moment I saw his speech in the intro to Killzone 1.

I remember it clearly: twelve years ago, while I was sleeping over at the huge rural house of one of my mom’s friends, who was much more lenient with her sons when it came to their access to basically everything, including the purchasing of rated M games, than my mother was. I knew about killzone from watching the TV channel G4, specifically the show x-play, and I desperately wanted to play it, along with the whole array of fantastic M-rated PS2 games that were featured so much on G4, but my mother strictly refused to buy it for me at that age. Inevitably, I asked the older son if his mom had bought him killzone and received an affirmative reply. We threw the disk into their PS2, started a new campaign file and man that intro clip basically gave me a kid boner over how beautiful it was.

Oh man, I’m rewatching it now…. it truly is beautiful and compelling to me even today, so I can only imagine how it stirred my little heart when I saw it for the first time more than a decade ago. I was the type of kid that cheered on Darth Sidious in star wars and admired men like him in both the fictional as well as historical universes.

I am attracted to power, I know it and Lord please have mercy upon me! Please Lord, don’t allow this to corrupt me any further and please turn me back towards You, Although I have a preference for gentleness, You are my Lord and may do as You please.

Today, I managed to acquire funds by logging into my mother’s laptop using the same password that she used on the laptop that she handed down to me and looking through the keychain application for the current password to her bank account. Yes, I’m an f-ing idiot who is basically begging to be homeless by doing things like this. Please pray for me. Please pray that the demon possessing me at the moment is extracted from my being by the Holy Ghost, preferably gently and soon. Yup, I think I’m probably possessed by a dark spirit of addiction and lust, because stuff like figuring out my mom’s bank account password in the way I did and walking ten miles in one day aren’t accomplishments that are guided by my unique creative energy. Instead, it’s like this strong, dark energy flows over me from some outside source and I get this laser focus on the goal of acquiring drugs that is just so unnatural. That laser focus quickly turns into ideas of how to acquire the desired drugs and/or the resources to do so legitimately. ┬áThose ideas could end up working like one did today with my idea to try to see if my mom’s new laptop was locked with the same password as my computer. Like, who just suddenly gets the idea in their head “oh, maybe check your mom’s laptop to see if she is using the same password on her new computer as the old one, because then you could probably get access to her bank account pretty easily”? Idk to me it all seems like I’m being “led on” by some dark force that makes me do things like try to nab extra adderall from the container when my mom was right there talking to me or take my dad’s car out when he was actually in the house….. It’s all just disgusting behavior and Lord I beg for You to show me what deliverance from it entails.

Please pray for me. Sorry for the incoherency, if there is any. I’ve taken half a pack of triple cs that are just now hitting me hard and I will probably take a bit more imminently. Lord Jesus, forgive me.

Go in Christ, friends.

6/23/17

Praise the good, great, merciful Lord Father God in heaven and His only begotten son, the Lord Jesus Christ, for waking up this saved one today uninjured, unimpaired, safely in his same bed under the same roof at the same beautiful town on the same beautiful creation of the Lord called earth ready to serve Him another blessed day NO MATTER WHAT!

I am going to go ahead and try to declare the two primary topics that I’d like to talk about in this entry, so that I’ll have a chance in heck of actually getting to both before I read the 1k+ word count mark:

  • me stealing my dad’s car this morning to acquire stimulants and walking back into the house, following a successful acquisition of a day’s worth of stimulants, only to see him standing right in the kitchen/living room as I walk through the door
  • a strange, disturbing, vivid dream I had last night about the rapture occurring very suddenly in the near future and, as well as many other christians including my own mother, being left behind

Seeing as the first of those two topics literally just happened, occurred in the real world and is clearly the most pressing matter affecting my livelihood at the moment, I will be beginning the body portion of today’s entry by addressing it.

Basically, I woke up this morning around ten AM with a slight feeling of loathing towards the day in front of me because I was convinced that I’d be taking a full day off stimulants no matter what. Prior to actually “waking up”, I tend to float in this strange half-dream state where I decide whether I’d like to speed up the inevitable by swimming up to full consciousness or try my best to swim back down to the dream world for as much more time as I can keep myself down there for.

Today, I found myself in this limbo-like state fully aware of the fact that I faced a day without the stimulants that I am so dependent on to be productive and creative, so the temptation to slip back into the dream world was very strong. A craving for sugar hit me before I could move myself either direction, and it was the image of those haggen-das nut-covered, chocolate dipped vanilla ice-cream bars on a stick that sealed my choice. I knew we had one or two left in the garage freezer, so that fact brought me to begin thrusting my consciousness upwards to break through the surface into material reality. After eating the last two of said ice cream bars that we had left, I was immediately beset by an awful upset stomach that had me running for the toilet. It had to be ten minutes of vocal moaning and groaning like a wounded animal before my bowels settled enough for me to get up from the toilet. Oh, that was so awful and even now my bowels are slightly upset.

Fulfilling my lust for sugar and exhausting myself by engaging in an extended session of moving my slightly sick bowels, I decided to just go try to get back to sleep because….. there was no point in being conscious today at all. At least, in my mind, there was no point in being conscious. Five minutes after slipping myself back into bed and my body was back up again, animated by something that definitely was not the commands of my “higher” consciousness (like, whatever your frontal lobes are).

Whether or not it was a demon or my fleshly subconscious, I do not know but what I do know, for a fact, is that the being that is writing this entry right now does not possess the nerve to actually take my dad’s car out for a little joyride without permission while he was sitting right in his study. Especially the day after I got caught by my dad for stealing his credit card, and being well aware of the fact that he is the one that is lobbying against his more emotional nature to keep me living at this house. No, I just I couldn’t do it. I’ve stolen my dad’s car only twice before, but both times he was gone on one of his trips, not literally sitting in the house.

Praise the Lord that my stimulant run was successful, considering that it was done without any money and under the additionally extreme pressure of knowing that I’m driving my dad’s car without permission while he’s sitting in the house, able to walk down from his study at any time into the garage to see that his car is gone. I won’t give any further specifics on the matter of…. something, as it’s both dangerous and now irrelevant to the topic I’m addressing.

Imagine the buzzkill I experienced when I walked through that door only to see my earthly father, standing in the kitchen, leaning on the counter with one elbow, and a quiet scowl that is far more piercing than usual.

Even though I’ve written a little bit about my father in previous entries, I know that he is still a mysterious character to both the long-term reader and the newer reader of this blog due to his absence from my life prior to my return home. If I haven’t communicated this effectively enough in the past, I’ll clarify right now that my dad is NOT the type of person that one would like to be caught by for doing something as serious as stealing his car. My father is solemn and intimidating to a great degree in just his regular manner, let alone during a situation like this one.

Also, my father has a specific “thing” when it comes to cars. When I first got caught drinking alcohol during the last week of my sophomore year in high school, he immediately made the firm declaration that I would NOT be allowed to drive or get my license until I go a whole year without (getting caught) drinking. A year that would be reset or even extended if I ever got caught drinking again. That was another huge crushing blow in my life, because since sixth grade my mother told me that her SUV would be mine when I turned sixteen and got my license because she wanted me to be driving. It seemed like a certainty that I’d be driving myself to high school and all that when I turned sixteen then got my license. My classmates might mock and reject me, going to school every day with untreated emotional trauma from the death of my sister in my own arms might be hell on earth, I might be struggling to get the grades my parents expected amidst all this, maybe no girl would poke me with a ten-foot pole, but HEY I’D HAVE A CAR TO DRIVE TO SCHOOL WHEN I TURNED SIXTEEN! I even went through the drivers’ ed course freshmen year and got my permit about a week after I turned fifteen, so everything seemed on track for that “fantasy” to become a reality….. then, just like so many other things I was told that I had to look forward to in the future that might relieve the hell I was going through, that went straight out the window.

Lord, I beg for Your forgiveness for doing this and I beg for Your mercy on me today by softening the hearts of both my parents to the point of them still allowing me to stay here at this house until I am mentally stable enough to get myself going again. Lord, You know that I need the quiet and peace of this house right now rather than the stress of group living, or the even more extreme stress of homelessness, in order to have any chance at stabilizing. Though You blessed me and protected me to a degree far beyond what I deserved during my time in that mountain city, my nervous system is only now seeming to begin to heal from the scars that the extreme stress it endured every day up there have almost certainly done to it.

Yes, my choice to consume large amounts of stimulants every single day definitely played a huge part in inducing that stress on my nervous system but…. I am at 1.3k words and I don’t want to go over why, even though I CHOSE TO TAKE STIMULANTS AND KEEP CHOSING TO, I need healing. And yes, I’ve done my best to convince my parents to put me in a rehab. In fact, I’ll probably be trying to convince them again, whether or not I’m allowed to live here, because all this emotional suffering and nervous system stress is at a point that I can’t live with.

Quickly, despite my strong desires to just conclude this entry now, I’ll go over the dream I had last night for the benefit of the curious (don’t say I don’t do anything for the readers): Basically, everyone wakes up one day and goes about their usual business as normal until news reports begin to come in about an unusually high amount of people going missing since just last night. As the day goes on, the reports begin to state that millions of people (whether it was millions of just americans or millions of people around the world was not specified) have gone missing.

I then remember that I opened up my laptop, went to youtube, and watched several videos from the kjv fundamental biblical christian posters that I usually watch. Five days prior, all of them posted videos where they were suddenly all 100% sure that the rapture would be occurring that week and, logically, if they all went missing suddenly one day then it’s a safe bet that the rapture occurred. A cursory google search confirmed that all of these people suddenly went missing at once around midnight along with the millions reported by the mainstream media, according to frantic articles posted by the christian journalistic staff that were “left behind” too.

Of course, in the dream I still had to go to some sort of school, so I went to whatever class I had. It was like ten minutes before the class started, the classroom was open and I believe that all of the students besides two were there. A circle of jockish guys were in a circle and were the only people talking while everyone sat quietly at their desks. I interjected myself into their conversation to bring up the topic of whether the rapture actually happened the night before or not. One of the guys, who was basically some exact replica of a jockish guy I knew and might’ve been friendly with in high school who was extremely smart and strangely introverted but kind of a jerk, said that yes the rapture had occurred and that I had been left behind because of my unrepented sins. For some reason, I percieved something in his eyes which told me that he definitely wasn’t kidding and knew what he just said to be like the truest truth in the universe. In fact, the way he said “because of YOUR UNREPENTED SINS” made me feel legitimately embarassed because it was like the whole class now knew that I had to have been doing sinful things despite being a christian. It was like the whole class now knew about my porno viewing habits and sexual fantasies. Then, I remember seeing another replica of someone I knew in high school staring at me with guilt and shame in her own eye. It was this preppy, popular, over-achieving, but very kind asian girl that I had a huge crush on sophomore year than I also knew/know is also a christian. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but I heard rumors about her hosting a party at her parents’ house one night that got so rowdy that the cops were called and busted the whole operation for underage drinking. There were almost certainly other rumors of a similar nature about her but that’s not really the point. The point is that even though she outwardly seemed to those who don’t know her well as a straight arrow, go-getting type christian girl, she has participated in the typical debauchery associated with those she chose to associate herself with as friends. Back during high school, I saw this ambivalence about her as disgusting and judged her unfairly for it. She wasn’t the only one though, because a good portion of that “popular kids” group tried to arrange some kind of outing under the name of a real teen-christian organization and wanted to use that as some kind of means to socialize under a christian name…. I think. I just heard even more rumors about the other girls who were part of this little initiative.

I need to emphasize that, now, I do not judge any of these people at all for their beliefs and their mistakes, because I know exactly what it’s like to want to be righteous but screwing up continously. It just seemed like a pharisee type situation at the time where popular girls wanted to construct a front to outsiders with their christianity, while continuing to engage in debauchery on the other hand…. but the Lord despises gossip and I won’t try to present something like this as truth that I haven’t seen with my own eyes.

The point is that this girl represented that ambivalence among so many young christians today, where we profess Christ with our mouths yet allow besetting sin to run rampant in our lives. I was judging her back in high school, based off of these rumors, but now here I was in the same boat with her while professing myself to be a Christian as well.

2.3k words is ridiculous so I’ll continue later if the Lord gives me the oppertunity.

Please pray that I’ll be okay today, despite getting caught stealing my dad’s car on top of everything else. I feel strangely unconcerned with the matter but I’m terrified that that’s a sign that something awful is about to happen which will shatter whatever confidence that I have built up in the stability of the privileges given to me by my parents.

I’ve been homeless twice before and it was an indescribable hell on earth for me. Lord have mercy on every homeless person out there today and please don’t allow me to join their ranks for any reason. Lord, I understand the value of a roof over my head but… God I’ve already spent so many days straining my nervous system over whether or not I’d have a safe bed to sleep in that night. Confidence in just knowing that you’ll be able to stay in one place you’re comfortable with for as long as you need no matter what is not something I’ve enjoyed since April 2014 and if me laying here trying not to allow any more negative, anxious energy to attatch itself to this whole situation because it never does any good is perceived by You Lord as “cockiness”, then I just I don’t know.

Please Lord Jesus, deliver me from all of my issues and have mercy on me today.

Please pray for me.

Go in Christ, friends.

 

 

6/22/17

Praise the good, great, merciful Lord Jesus Christ for waking up this saved one uninjured, unimpaired, safely in this same bed under the same safe roof at the same beautiful town on the same beautiful creation of the Lord called earth ready to serve Him another blessed day NO MATTER WHAT!

Lord Jesus, I beg for You to ensure that I actually complete an application for a job that I would actually have a chance at enjoying enough to keep going to, like some clothing or department store. Specifically, Kohl’s or Macy’s but I’ll take what You give me. If it be Your will, please ensure that I actually get a job shortly and that I actually don’t get fired from it. This idleness is beginning to lose its luster.

Of course, the reality of my active substance addictions remains as an over-looming spectre. A spectre that still has a python’s grip on my conscience, commanding my descision making processes and driving me to aggressively persue self-destruction with, seemingly, complete abandon.

Praise the Lord Jesus Christ for actually sending His Holy Ghost to limit the awesome power of this proverbial python…. well, satan was a serpent but that’s just a form he chose ANYWAYYY… despite my lack of faith and conscious complacency to the vile actions of my flesh.

In english, I’m saying that “it could be a WHOLE lot worse” so praise the Lord that He hasn’t allowed my situation to deteriorate to the points that many other less fortunate addicts have had the displeasure of reaching. Years of regular NA and AA attendance, in tandem with a three year residence in a two bedroom room at a halfway house, have made it glaringly apparent that I must remember to count my blessings because God could’ve easily let me fall much further than I have. God could’ve allowed me to get hooked on opiates and/or benzos, both of which I’ve seen destroy the promising lives of so many young people.

A lot of them have/had real talents that they could’ve developed and enriched the world with….. but me lamenting the lost talents of bright young people to addictions is probably something like the cat or pot calling the kettle black.

UGH MAN WHERE IS MY SNAGAJOB PASSWORD RESET EMAIL IT’S HAD TO HAVE BEEN 45 MINUTES Oh, there it is.

Okay, I’m going to go do something that is actually productive. Thank you for caring enough to read this drivel and I pray that you’ll have a wonderful day, whether or not you like me.

Please pray for me.

Go in Christ, friends.