Praise the good, great, merciful Lord Father God in heaven and His only begotten son, the Lord Jesus Christ, for waking up this saved one today uninjured, unimpaired, safely in his same bed under the same roof at the same beautiful town on the same beautiful creation of the Lord called earth ready to serve Him another blessed day NO MATTER WHAT!
I am going to go ahead and try to declare the two primary topics that I’d like to talk about in this entry, so that I’ll have a chance in heck of actually getting to both before I read the 1k+ word count mark:
- me stealing my dad’s car this morning to acquire stimulants and walking back into the house, following a successful acquisition of a day’s worth of stimulants, only to see him standing right in the kitchen/living room as I walk through the door
- a strange, disturbing, vivid dream I had last night about the rapture occurring very suddenly in the near future and, as well as many other christians including my own mother, being left behind
Seeing as the first of those two topics literally just happened, occurred in the real world and is clearly the most pressing matter affecting my livelihood at the moment, I will be beginning the body portion of today’s entry by addressing it.
Basically, I woke up this morning around ten AM with a slight feeling of loathing towards the day in front of me because I was convinced that I’d be taking a full day off stimulants no matter what. Prior to actually “waking up”, I tend to float in this strange half-dream state where I decide whether I’d like to speed up the inevitable by swimming up to full consciousness or try my best to swim back down to the dream world for as much more time as I can keep myself down there for.
Today, I found myself in this limbo-like state fully aware of the fact that I faced a day without the stimulants that I am so dependent on to be productive and creative, so the temptation to slip back into the dream world was very strong. A craving for sugar hit me before I could move myself either direction, and it was the image of those haggen-das nut-covered, chocolate dipped vanilla ice-cream bars on a stick that sealed my choice. I knew we had one or two left in the garage freezer, so that fact brought me to begin thrusting my consciousness upwards to break through the surface into material reality. After eating the last two of said ice cream bars that we had left, I was immediately beset by an awful upset stomach that had me running for the toilet. It had to be ten minutes of vocal moaning and groaning like a wounded animal before my bowels settled enough for me to get up from the toilet. Oh, that was so awful and even now my bowels are slightly upset.
Fulfilling my lust for sugar and exhausting myself by engaging in an extended session of moving my slightly sick bowels, I decided to just go try to get back to sleep because….. there was no point in being conscious today at all. At least, in my mind, there was no point in being conscious. Five minutes after slipping myself back into bed and my body was back up again, animated by something that definitely was not the commands of my “higher” consciousness (like, whatever your frontal lobes are).
Whether or not it was a demon or my fleshly subconscious, I do not know but what I do know, for a fact, is that the being that is writing this entry right now does not possess the nerve to actually take my dad’s car out for a little joyride without permission while he was sitting right in his study. Especially the day after I got caught by my dad for stealing his credit card, and being well aware of the fact that he is the one that is lobbying against his more emotional nature to keep me living at this house. No, I just I couldn’t do it. I’ve stolen my dad’s car only twice before, but both times he was gone on one of his trips, not literally sitting in the house.
Praise the Lord that my stimulant run was successful, considering that it was done without any money and under the additionally extreme pressure of knowing that I’m driving my dad’s car without permission while he’s sitting in the house, able to walk down from his study at any time into the garage to see that his car is gone. I won’t give any further specifics on the matter of…. something, as it’s both dangerous and now irrelevant to the topic I’m addressing.
Imagine the buzzkill I experienced when I walked through that door only to see my earthly father, standing in the kitchen, leaning on the counter with one elbow, and a quiet scowl that is far more piercing than usual.
Even though I’ve written a little bit about my father in previous entries, I know that he is still a mysterious character to both the long-term reader and the newer reader of this blog due to his absence from my life prior to my return home. If I haven’t communicated this effectively enough in the past, I’ll clarify right now that my dad is NOT the type of person that one would like to be caught by for doing something as serious as stealing his car. My father is solemn and intimidating to a great degree in just his regular manner, let alone during a situation like this one.
Also, my father has a specific “thing” when it comes to cars. When I first got caught drinking alcohol during the last week of my sophomore year in high school, he immediately made the firm declaration that I would NOT be allowed to drive or get my license until I go a whole year without (getting caught) drinking. A year that would be reset or even extended if I ever got caught drinking again. That was another huge crushing blow in my life, because since sixth grade my mother told me that her SUV would be mine when I turned sixteen and got my license because she wanted me to be driving. It seemed like a certainty that I’d be driving myself to high school and all that when I turned sixteen then got my license. My classmates might mock and reject me, going to school every day with untreated emotional trauma from the death of my sister in my own arms might be hell on earth, I might be struggling to get the grades my parents expected amidst all this, maybe no girl would poke me with a ten-foot pole, but HEY I’D HAVE A CAR TO DRIVE TO SCHOOL WHEN I TURNED SIXTEEN! I even went through the drivers’ ed course freshmen year and got my permit about a week after I turned fifteen, so everything seemed on track for that “fantasy” to become a reality….. then, just like so many other things I was told that I had to look forward to in the future that might relieve the hell I was going through, that went straight out the window.
Lord, I beg for Your forgiveness for doing this and I beg for Your mercy on me today by softening the hearts of both my parents to the point of them still allowing me to stay here at this house until I am mentally stable enough to get myself going again. Lord, You know that I need the quiet and peace of this house right now rather than the stress of group living, or the even more extreme stress of homelessness, in order to have any chance at stabilizing. Though You blessed me and protected me to a degree far beyond what I deserved during my time in that mountain city, my nervous system is only now seeming to begin to heal from the scars that the extreme stress it endured every day up there have almost certainly done to it.
Yes, my choice to consume large amounts of stimulants every single day definitely played a huge part in inducing that stress on my nervous system but…. I am at 1.3k words and I don’t want to go over why, even though I CHOSE TO TAKE STIMULANTS AND KEEP CHOSING TO, I need healing. And yes, I’ve done my best to convince my parents to put me in a rehab. In fact, I’ll probably be trying to convince them again, whether or not I’m allowed to live here, because all this emotional suffering and nervous system stress is at a point that I can’t live with.
Quickly, despite my strong desires to just conclude this entry now, I’ll go over the dream I had last night for the benefit of the curious (don’t say I don’t do anything for the readers): Basically, everyone wakes up one day and goes about their usual business as normal until news reports begin to come in about an unusually high amount of people going missing since just last night. As the day goes on, the reports begin to state that millions of people (whether it was millions of just americans or millions of people around the world was not specified) have gone missing.
I then remember that I opened up my laptop, went to youtube, and watched several videos from the kjv fundamental biblical christian posters that I usually watch. Five days prior, all of them posted videos where they were suddenly all 100% sure that the rapture would be occurring that week and, logically, if they all went missing suddenly one day then it’s a safe bet that the rapture occurred. A cursory google search confirmed that all of these people suddenly went missing at once around midnight along with the millions reported by the mainstream media, according to frantic articles posted by the christian journalistic staff that were “left behind” too.
Of course, in the dream I still had to go to some sort of school, so I went to whatever class I had. It was like ten minutes before the class started, the classroom was open and I believe that all of the students besides two were there. A circle of jockish guys were in a circle and were the only people talking while everyone sat quietly at their desks. I interjected myself into their conversation to bring up the topic of whether the rapture actually happened the night before or not. One of the guys, who was basically some exact replica of a jockish guy I knew and might’ve been friendly with in high school who was extremely smart and strangely introverted but kind of a jerk, said that yes the rapture had occurred and that I had been left behind because of my unrepented sins. For some reason, I percieved something in his eyes which told me that he definitely wasn’t kidding and knew what he just said to be like the truest truth in the universe. In fact, the way he said “because of YOUR UNREPENTED SINS” made me feel legitimately embarassed because it was like the whole class now knew that I had to have been doing sinful things despite being a christian. It was like the whole class now knew about my porno viewing habits and sexual fantasies. Then, I remember seeing another replica of someone I knew in high school staring at me with guilt and shame in her own eye. It was this preppy, popular, over-achieving, but very kind asian girl that I had a huge crush on sophomore year than I also knew/know is also a christian. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but I heard rumors about her hosting a party at her parents’ house one night that got so rowdy that the cops were called and busted the whole operation for underage drinking. There were almost certainly other rumors of a similar nature about her but that’s not really the point. The point is that even though she outwardly seemed to those who don’t know her well as a straight arrow, go-getting type christian girl, she has participated in the typical debauchery associated with those she chose to associate herself with as friends. Back during high school, I saw this ambivalence about her as disgusting and judged her unfairly for it. She wasn’t the only one though, because a good portion of that “popular kids” group tried to arrange some kind of outing under the name of a real teen-christian organization and wanted to use that as some kind of means to socialize under a christian name…. I think. I just heard even more rumors about the other girls who were part of this little initiative.
I need to emphasize that, now, I do not judge any of these people at all for their beliefs and their mistakes, because I know exactly what it’s like to want to be righteous but screwing up continously. It just seemed like a pharisee type situation at the time where popular girls wanted to construct a front to outsiders with their christianity, while continuing to engage in debauchery on the other hand…. but the Lord despises gossip and I won’t try to present something like this as truth that I haven’t seen with my own eyes.
The point is that this girl represented that ambivalence among so many young christians today, where we profess Christ with our mouths yet allow besetting sin to run rampant in our lives. I was judging her back in high school, based off of these rumors, but now here I was in the same boat with her while professing myself to be a Christian as well.
2.3k words is ridiculous so I’ll continue later if the Lord gives me the oppertunity.
Please pray that I’ll be okay today, despite getting caught stealing my dad’s car on top of everything else. I feel strangely unconcerned with the matter but I’m terrified that that’s a sign that something awful is about to happen which will shatter whatever confidence that I have built up in the stability of the privileges given to me by my parents.
I’ve been homeless twice before and it was an indescribable hell on earth for me. Lord have mercy on every homeless person out there today and please don’t allow me to join their ranks for any reason. Lord, I understand the value of a roof over my head but… God I’ve already spent so many days straining my nervous system over whether or not I’d have a safe bed to sleep in that night. Confidence in just knowing that you’ll be able to stay in one place you’re comfortable with for as long as you need no matter what is not something I’ve enjoyed since April 2014 and if me laying here trying not to allow any more negative, anxious energy to attatch itself to this whole situation because it never does any good is perceived by You Lord as “cockiness”, then I just I don’t know.
Please Lord Jesus, deliver me from all of my issues and have mercy on me today.
Please pray for me.
Go in Christ, friends.