4/19/17

This is just a quick check in entry for anyone still choosing to come back to this clandestine, sub-amateur, religious soap box that remains clandestinely tucked away from the eyes of any reader who has not specifically sought it out. Only the hand of the Lord will ever provide a substantively sized audience of genuinely interested readers, but I feel like the thousands upon thousands of words that will compose this project will be truly appreciated by few eyes. Inevitably, I feel like this project will be  left to gather dust in the heaps of inactive, top-level domains containing everyone else’s  attempt at a “blog”. It will lay idly, like an unattended dying child or an elderly drunkard on the bench of a city park, at the exact alexa ranking it holds right now. Useless. Wasted energy, time and digital space.

Only the Lord can truly transform this project from such a loathsome, forgettable piece of 1s and 0s into something that will be seen by many multitudes of eyes. Young eyes. Hungry eyes. Hurting eyes. Tearful eyes. Red eyes. Eyes that want a savior. Eyes that need a savior from themselves. Eyes that NEED a savior from themselves. Eyes that DESPERATELY MUST HAVE A SAVIOR FROM THEMSELVES AND THE SIN THAT DOMINATES THEIR LIFE!

Helpless eyes. Helpless eyes that have been exposed to thousands of hours of visual stimulation and an additional thousand upon thousand hour heap of lectures from secular teachers/instructors every single day. Helpless eyes that have probably fallen prey to the most effective methods of systematic ideological indoctrination that man has ever conceived of.

Helpless eyes that are….. I could go on and on, but basically: helpless eyes that need the Lord Jesus Christ, yet have had their conscience’s specifically molded from a very early age to REJECT and MOCK that savior. That name.

It seems to me like older people really don’t grasp the seriousness of the spiritual plight that the generation that I am apart of is currently in. Those of us in the western world who were born in the decade leading up to the 21st century are basically a generation that, compared to our parents’ and grandparents’, does not know God.

This saved idiot here writing this thing, that may never be ever read by anyone besides myself, does not claim to know one single hard fact about anything nor does he propose absolutely any solution BESIDES THE GOSPEL OF THE LORD JESUS CHRIST AS IT HAS BEEN DELIVERED TO US IN THE 1611 KING JAMES BIBLE!

But, from where this idiot sees it and from his own personal life experiences, the present generation of adolescents/young adults in the western world think of the name of the Lord Jesus Christ as just one big joke. Whether its literally or metaphorically, the name of the sinless lamb slain on the cross to save all those who believe on Him from an unimaginably awful ETERNITY in HELL, the Lord Jesus Christ, is treated as a joke.

When I say “metaphorically”, I mean (and I’m probably included in this too) those young “christians” who basically sin continuously without any real remorse or guilt. Oh Lord, this saved one does not want to defy Your holy command to not attempt to pull the stick out of his brother’s eye when he has a log in his own eye, but…. Lord…. it’s often seemed like the more popular people around high school and college who claim to be “christian” are… uhhhhh….. well, they may be a bit misguided on what Your intention was on the cross and how it isn’t just a free ticket to sin as one pleases without eternal recourse.

There is absolutely no way that I can ever even INFER that I had ANY moral or spiritual authority to accost other believers in Christ like I did above. It was….. disgusting, to say the least. I feel totally disgusted with myself that I would go out of my way to accost the sinful acts of other believers when I myself took two benzedrexes today on top of my 40mg adderall. Two benzedrexes which I paid for with money given to me by my mother to pay for my pastor’s lunch. That, a host of other sinful backsliding acts, really do put me in a position that is pretty far from that of a just accuser when it comes to the sins of other less-spiritually developed christians.

Lord, I know that I myself am in the wrong by choosing to buy those two benzedrexes with money that my mother intended to be used to cover my pastor’s lunch today. I apologize for that and I can only beg for mercy from You. Please Lord, don’t let there be a drug test at the IOP thing tomorrow and if there is one, then please ensure that the benzedrex either doesn’t show up or is marked down as just adderall. Please Lord Jesus, ensure that I get to my appointments tomorrow in a competent, productive, clear, and focused state of mind.

Please Lord Jesus, forgive me of my sin of taking higher doses of my medications than prescribed. Please Lord Jesus, ensure that my psychiatrist does actually increase my gabapentin dose tomorrow so that I don’t run out of it. If he doesn’t increase it, then please ensure he decreases it or otherwise sets it up so that I don’t run out of it.

Please Lord Jesus, do not allow this benzedrex to cause any health complications at all to me.

Please Lord Jesus, protect me from the earthly consequences of using this benzedrex as best as You can. This saved one knows You hate sin, but Lord he does not want to do these things or feel any kind of need to have to do them……… in a positive sort of way.

Lord Jesus, this saved one just wants to be content enough in his own non-geeked, properly medicated, “normal” state of mind that he doesn’t feel any need to get geeked or alter his state of consciousness in any other way to escape a feeling. Please Lord, please please transform me like that through Your Holy Spirit so that I can finally live. Live for You.

But Lord, I know that there are others out there that are far more capable of carrying the burden of establishing Your true kingdom on earth for this generation than this idiot. Lord Jesus, I’m almost at the end of my line. I feel so hopeless God, I just keep going after the drugs. Lord Jesus, fill me with hope. True hope. Fill me with true hope soon.

My friend is talking to me about getting into grad school and I can’t complete one community college class. A class that I’m good at.

I praise You Lord and thank You for my life today.

Thanks for reading,

No more posts for a while.

Go in Christ, friends.

 

 

4/11/17

Brief update: 

I’m still going to be inactive on WordPress for the next month or two to read real paper books, as well as work on myself in general.

A pen and paper journal will be fulfilling my experiential, as well as emotional, recording needs during this period. 

I will be trying to read as many good books as possible to improve my grammar, syntax, and general writing style. 

I apologize if you are disappointed that I’m taking an extended break from WordPress, but you are one of few and I desperately need this time to sharpen my abilities as an author. 

The Lord’s will alone be done, not mine. 

Thank you for reading and, ideally, I’ll see you in a month or two. 

Go in Christ, friends. 

4/6/17 pt2

So, I know I’ve said that I’m going to be going off the grid for a little while here, but I’m in another waiting room and I’ve got a confession I feel like I need to make. 

Lord Jesus, I made a HUGE mistake by taking Kratom after my discharge from the hospital and I beg You to forgive me for it. I beg for You Lord to have mercy on me by giving me a bowel movement and not allowing that pain that drove me to the ER the other day to return. 

Some left over Kratom had been found in his room by this saved one after being released from the hospital and, during a short major “freak out” period, I decided to take a dose of it. 

This idiot saved one decided to take a dose of it to relive his little anxiety attack, despite it being a major causal component of the constipation that caused the agonizing pain I was in. 

I’m still in this lethal mindset that Kratom is “alright” and “safe”, but my experiences over the last few days should’ve permanently etched in my mind the fact that it is quite the opposite.

We will have to see what happens, and God’s will be done rather than my own. If He wants to teach me another hard lesson by allowing awful abdominal pain to return, then ugh so be it. I desperately beg Him not to do allow that to happen and to spare me but in the end it’s His choice. 

Lord I’m so sorry I did that, and I continue to beg beg BEG for forgiveness!!!! I did not do any other drugs that I wasn’t prescribed, but I know that means nothing to You. 

The only thing that does mean anything to You is the blood of the Your only begotten son Lord Jesus Christ shed on the cross at cavalary (or however you spell it), and it is with that I desperately plead to You Father for mercy. 

Lord Jesus, I need Your intercession here desperately. I need the Holy Spirit’s energizing to truly repent of this sin, though. Otherwise, I stand little chance of becoming any sort of beacon of righteousness.

Please pray for me.

Go in Christ, friends. 

4/6/17

Praise the good Lord Jesus Christ for waking up this saved one today uninjured, unimpaired, safely in this same bed under the same roof at the same beautiful town on the same beautiful creation of the Lord called earth ready to serve the Lord another blessed day no matter what!

The Lord has recently been leading me to return to pen and paper writing for the time being. Seeing that barely anyone reads this blog anyway and that I learn better through pen and paper writing, the descision to put this digital journal project on hold in order to return to old school journaling makes sense.

This blog will probably not be entirely abandoned, but posting will almost certainly be much less frequent for the foreseeable future. I’ve put a lot of effort into this blog and socking ship long term at this very point here seems like a foolish idea. My heart has really been in this blog the entire time I’ve written it, no matter the near total absence of an audience but I must do the Lord’s will. It is all going to be as the Lord leads me, not my own heart. 

In this case, I actually agree with the Lord. This entire project is about me becoming closer to Him, with the added element of allowing willing witnesses to see a truly miraculous transformation in a very troubled, at risk young man from a worthless, spoiled leech to a true man of God, shining as a beacon of hope for other troubled millenials like him. 

This blog is meant to be the rough draft of a story of a young man who does his best to place his spiritual being, his spiritual destiny and literal flesh and blood life in the hands of the Lord Jesus Christ. 

Yes: flesh and blood life. If the Lord Jesus isn’t God, then I will shortly die from my drug addiction. That’s a plain, cold fact. 

The Lord is leading me towards pen, paper, colored pencil, and paint to express myself right now rather than iPhone, laptop, anything else digital. I’ve expressed my faith in the Lord and life as a saved individual a lot over the past year and a half through digital means, but the Lord is leading me elsewhere right now.

This is no swan song, the Lord has told me that I will return to the digital realm to help save the souls of lost millenials just like me, but I must retire from the devilish distractions constantly bombarding this crucial frontline of the spiritual war against the enemy right now in order to focus on getting closer to Him.

So, to all those readers (do I really have any) who don’t know me in real life, I guess this is good bye for a few months. Hopefully God will have me better equipped to battle the enemy on here and save souls when He returns me to the front lines.

Please pray for me.

Go in Christ, friends.

4/4/17

graveyardsovo

Praise the good Lord Jesus Christ for waking up this saved one today uninjured, unimpaired, safely in his same bed under the same roof at the same beautiful childhood town on the same beautiful creation of the Lord called earth ready to serve the Lord another blessed day NO MATTER WHAT!

Today, this saved one asks in prayer for blessings of guidance, perseverance, strength, integrity, healing, guidance, clarity, deliverance, provisioning, and salvation for the unsaved to be bestowed amongst all of the Lord’s saints across the world, all of the suffering addicts across the world, all of those suffering from mental illness across the world, all of those homeless people in this saved one’s current town of residence and previous city of residence, all of this saved one’s old housemates and house managers, all of this saved one’s local church members and the church’s organization itself, all of this saved one’s family members (especially his male cousin on his mom’s side), all of this saved one’s enemies, all of this saved one’s friends, every single person reading this (especially those in need of hope), and this saved one himself.

Praise the good Lord Jesus that I was discharged from the hospital yesterday feeling better than ever. That awful abdominal which I tried my best to write about, but was prevented from doing so due to the pain, has entirely dissipated as a result of an injection the hospital staff gave me directly into my stomach. The injection induced three bowel movements and wah-la! that awful, hellish pain was gone. I truly do praise the Lord and give Him all the glory for ensuring that I recovered so swiftly and completely. The Lord worked through the hospital staff and the medications they decided to give me to ensure that said swift and thorough recovery became a reality, I am sure of it.

The pic above is one I took a few days ago of an old graveyard located in the middle of my parents’ uppity upper-middle class neighborhood. I know that the theme of this blog is a positive one: a documentation of one young American man’s spiritual walk with the Lord Jesus Christ and recovery from drug addictions, but my true personality will inevitably come out from time to time. I consider my self somewhat of an artsy type hobbyist, and I LOVE the dark aesthetic side of art. I am not into grim, morbid stuff but I really enjoy pictures like the one above.

Lord’s will be done alone with this blog. I beg the Holy Spirit to guide my hands while writing this blog so that I did not get of topic and focus too much on the self rather than the Lord Jesus Christ.

4/2/17

Praise the good, great, merciful Lord Jesus Christ for waking up this saved one today uninjured, unimpaired, safely under this same hospital roof at the same city on the same beautiful creation of the Lord called earth ready to serve the Lord another blessed day NO MATTER WHAT!

Today, this saved one prays for blessings of mercy, guidance, provisioning, healing, protection, and salvation for the unsaved to be given amongst all of the Lord’s saints across the world, all of the suffering addicts across the world, all of those suffering from mental illness across the world, all those in captivity around the world, all of the homeless people in this saved one’s former city of residence, all of this saved one’s family members (especially for his male cousin on his mom’s side), all of this saved one’s family friends, all of this saved one’s former housemates and house managers, all of this saved one’s enemies, all of this saved one’ friends, every single person (especially those in need of hope) reading this, and this saved one himself.

Okay, so since I’ve been in the hospital for the past few days I can strongly assure anyone still reading this now that no interesting events have occurred besides a miraculous God-given recovery as well as I just some jokes amongst my parents and I. Nothing to interesting. However,  I’ll try to describe the events leading up to my hospitalization in better detail here.

This isn’t meant to be used as an excuse at all, but I’d like for the reader to know that I’m being forced to take the exact prescribed dose of adderall today because I’m still in the hospital so this entry probably won’t be that long. From now on, I will exclusively be taking only the prescribed dose of adderall, as well as the prescribed doses of all my other medications (new or otherwise), rather than allowing myself to return to being dependent on absolutely ridiculous doses of medications like I had been during the past four months. 

Of course, this is not in my hands, this is definitely in God’s hands. 

Lord Jesus, I desperately beg You to take away my desires to take ANY medication beyond the prescribed dose entirely. Please Lord Jesus, if it be Your will, id like for the doctor to not take away my klonopin prescription but for him to keep it and give it to my parents to distribute to me to ensure it’s being taken as prescribed, because it is a good anti-anxiety and anti-ADHD medicine at a low dose. 

I’m sure the few readers that I had left fell away during the three day word drought on my end, and I don’t blame them. This blog is for the Lord, it’s not for me, so I will continue to do my duty as I am able.

During those three days of no entries, I was in the most excruciating pain that I can recall in my life ever. My abdomen felt like someone had literally stabbed it several times or shot one a bullet into it. I’ve obviously had neither of those experiences in reality, but this pain was bad that it matched what I imagine these experiences would be like. 

Oh, I cried and cried out to God! I moaned and cried all night for three nights straight. I did not get more than fifteen minutes of sleep each night. It truly was beyond awful.

Thursday, the pain was so bad and had lasted so long that we decided to go to the urgent care as soon as it opened that morning. I took a piss test there and my urine was unusually dark, yet I thought nothing of it. The doctor, behind the defensive array of his light blue latex gloves and cold jelly, stuck his fingers up my rectum….. only to give me a diagnosis x. I was referred to a place “down the street” for an abomdinal x ray.

 I hadn’t slept in three days and I had no amphetamines in my blood stream, so I told my mother to go home before the x day so that I could try to sleep again. Well, lo and behold as soon as we get home, with me in the hot bath, we got a call from the urgent care saying that something came up on their tests for my liver and we need to be going to the ER right eff’ing now. 

Part 2 soon.

Pray for me.

Go in Christ, friends. 

3/29-30/17

Okay, so first of all I’d like to apologize to everyone who has been expecting regular daily entries from me. The last four or five days have been wrought with severe mid-lower section abnominal pain that has been so bad that it has not only prevented me from writing WordPress entries but also from eating and sleeping. These next few “catch-up” entries will unfortunately be more like brief summaries of the events that have occurred in my life rather than entries focusing on both events that have occurred in my life and the part that my relationship with God has to play in them. I apologize to the Lord Jesus Christ and to the reader for that but the fact of the matter is is that my energy levels are pretty low at the moment for various reasons. I try my very best with this WordPress and I hope there are plenty of people out there who would be willing to enjoy its contents either way. Once again, thank you for reading and may the Lord Jesus Christ bless you.

3//29/17:

I’m currently in the ER waiting room, where I’ve been for four hours.

The pain that I referenced yesterday drove me to go to an urgent care this morning, where I was swiftly referred to the actual ER after a pee-test somehow revealed that my liver enzymes were elevated.

We’ve been in this waiting room for about eight hours, having various nurses and doctors come in then out to examine me in order to formulate a proper diagnosis of what could be causing this awful, awful mid-lower abdominal pain.

Now I’m being told that the abdominal CT scan showed the I have a partial bowel bloackage. I’ll have to be admitted to the hospital tonight. Well, what can you do?
I actually haven’t slept in three nights from this pain, so this entire long process has been extremely distressing for me. Lord willing I’ll get some rest soon and be treated gently as well as considerately by the medical professionals here

3/30/17:

Today was basically spent in and out of consciousness, as I tried to make up the four nights of sleep that I had missed from the abdominal pains. I can’t really recall what exactly what occurred throughout the day, besides a few nurses, my parents, and this strange but cool European doctor coming in. I couldn’t tell where his accent originates from, but he seemed to genuinely care about me and had a pretty interesting since of humor. He is a “sleep specialist”, which is interesting considering that this is an abominable pain issue and not a sleep issue but I’ll be honest: I’m not complaining.

The doctor said he would be prescribing me a mini-pharmacopeia of lower dose stuff, which (for those interested) includes: khlonipin, adderall, gabapentin, some stool softeners and anti-biotics. It mostly just causes me to sleep a whole lot on it but I’m not complaining. When you’re stuck in a hospital, the dream world can be a lot more exciting than the real world.